Third And Thirty

Song of the Week: July 12th, 2012

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 10:22:17 -0400

First of all, sorry for the lack of content this week. I’ll be back in the groove next week. And I’m allowed to be lazy this week because I’m turning 25 tomorrow. So yeah, happy birthday to me.

Second of all, forget what you think you know about Frank Ocean. Forget about last week’s statement on his sexuality, forget about the reaction from the hip hop community. Forget about his ties to Odd Future, and forget about the way Nostalgia, Ultra made him one of the most buzzed about artists of the last year and a half. Forget about the Album of the Year hype for Channel Orange, however well deserved. Just enjoy the song of the week, because above all else, Frank Ocean is one of the most talented singers we’ve got.

Also Recommended: “Thinkin Bout You,” “Sierra Leone,” “We All Try”

Song of the Week: July 5th, 2012

Thu, 05 Jul 2012 16:54:05 -0400

I’ve watched Kirby Brown grow up in bits and spurts. I’ve seen him as a high school freshman, his voice cracking when he was called on in biology class. As a sophomore, he showed me a song he was learning to play. A couple of years later, we smoked cigarettes and talked about music outside an apartment complex when the bachelorette party I was attending upstairs turned ugly (don’t ask). During his time working with Jonathan Tyler and the Northern Lights, we went to a South by Southwest pool party, where he first told me he was going to try and go it alone. I listened to his first songs, recorded at home and posted on Myspace. He parlayed those tunes into a well-received album and has since been building a following from the ground up. He’s opened for Leon Russell, played festivals like SXSW and Free Press, and rocked historic venues like the Granada in Dallas and Antone’s in Austin.

All of this is to say that Kirby has traveled a long and windy road, from that curly blonde-haired kid plucking away on a guitar to the troubadour that rocked Antone’s when I saw him in December. He has come in to his own and it shows on his debut, Child of Calamity, an eleven-song collection that shows off Kirby’s strength as a songwriter. The music and lyrics evince an endearing blend of childlike innocence and world-weary wisdom, much like Kirby himself.

That sense of innocence drives the Song of the Week, “Young! Young! Young!” a rocker about new love, new life (“the past is behind me, the worst has been said”) and, you guessed it, youth. Enjoy the video (directed by Will Bolton), which features clips of Kirby doing Kirbyish things like driving a van, climbing things, and rocking out.

Also Recommended: “No, MY Generation,” “My First Love, Maria,” “Highway Calls”

Kontributor Kayla also recorded an audio interview with Kirby that will be up soon, so keep an eye out.

Bit of the Week: July 3rd, 2012

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 16:39:09 -0400

Before we get to the bit of the week (by a man you hopefully all know and love), some backstory: my girlfriend and I are moving in to a house together in Flint, MI. This is stressful for a number of reasons.

1) We haven’t lived together in two years. That’s two years I’ve been leaving dirty clothes and dirty dishes wherever I damn well please, drinking beer and watching Dr. Who, and going entire days without speaking to anyone except for my cat.

2) This is her first year working in the hospital (she’s in medical school—I know, I win), meaning there is a lot of pressure on her to do well so that she can be my sugar momma in five years or so.

3) We are moving to Flint, MI. Violent crime capital of the nation.

That said, it’s been going exceedingly well, with the exception of one thing: Comcast, our cable and internet service provider. If I wrote out the comedy of errors that has been the last week of my interactions with Comcast, this post would be both exceptionally long and exceptionally boring, and we’d probably never make it to the great bit I have in store. So let’s skip the timeline and just say that I’ve talked to Comcast A LOT in the last five days. I’ve spent more time talking to various customer service representatives than I have my live-in girlfriend, my co-workers, and even my parents who drove 1100 miles to see me. But last night, I couldn’t take it anymore. At some point, mid-bitch about my lack of On Demand service and my troubles with the internet, the absurdity of it all dawned on me and I realized I had two choices. Option 1 was to scream at the poor rep on the other side of the line, smash my cable box, burn down the nearest service center, go in to hiding in the Michigan woods and make my own internet from strings of pine needles. Option 2 was to realize that everything is amazing and that I was being stupid and petty for not being happy. Louis’ voice rang in my head (Inside Baseball sidenote: I just had to look up the possessive of Louis). Oh you mean you’ll have to use your phone computer instead of your regular lap computer to access all the information in the world at high speed when you’re sitting on your fucking toilet? Your sports package isn’t working, so you won’t be able to watch every touchdown from every game two months from now? You want to order HBO so your girlfriend can watch Girls while you try to figure out what the hell all the commotion was about two months ago? You can’t press a button and just watch things that you want to watch when you want to watch them for a nominal fee? How terribly sad for you! So yea, I started laughing, looked up this clip, and went with Option 2. Happy fireworking people.

By the way, Louis is selling tickets for his upcoming tour himself, only through his website. They’re mostly sold out, but you should go try to buy some.

Quick Hits: July 2nd, 2012

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 16:27:17 -0400

Sports:

Spain defeated Italy, 4-0, in the Euro 2012 Championship. Guys You Know like Xavi, Iniesta, Torres, and Mata were key in overwhelming the Italian side and Guy You Will Know (if you don’t already) Mario Balotelli. After the game, a depressed Balotelli enjoyed a somber evening at home, where he threw some darts and enjoyed some fireworks.
Blah blah Dwight Howard blah blah blah blah Orlando Magic blah blah Brooklyn Nets blah blah Dallas Mavericks? blah blah blah blah errrrr Los Angeles Lakers blah blah blah blah blah Superman. Sorry, it’s been a bit of a slow week in the sports department.

Comedy:

Zach Galifianakis is now engaged, according to reports. Zach, if you’re out there, be reminded that for me, it isn’t over. I’ll find someone like you. Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.
Comedy Central has announced a Roast of Roseanne Barr. In a press release, an executive mentioned “celebrating Roseanne’s unprecedented achievements.” Ummm… does she have her face on the wall of some wing bar I’m not aware of? Because I have been to a lot of wing bars. And I would have remembered seeing Roseanne’s face.

Music:

Justin Bieber has graduated high school. He is the first lesbian graduate of St. Michael Catholic Secondary School of Ontario, and will probably get a shitty plaque on the wall or something.
Chris Brown released a really shitty Drake diss track that you can listen to here. And speaking of that nasty bar fight, some crazy billionaire has offered each of them $1 million dollars to face off in a boxing ring. So first of all, crazy billionaire… a million? For rappers? You have to do better than that. And besides, even though his latest album could have been the soundtrack to a menstrual cycle, every knows that Drake would win this fight. You know, because he’s not a girl.
Speaking of Adele, the Grammy winning soul songstress has announced that she is pregnant. I can’t decide if this is incredibly savvy, because no one will be talking about her weight for about 12-15 months, or incredibly stupid, because no one will be talking about her weight for about 12-15 months.

Song of the Week: June 29th, 2012

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 15:29:38 -0400

Yeasayer have been making delightfully weird music for a while now, and the forthcoming Fragrant World (August 21^st) is one of my most anticipated albums of the year. 2010’s Odd Blood, ten solid tracks that drifted into strange territory before ultimately ending up exactly where they belonged, was one of my favorite albums of that year. Judging by the first two singles (both released in the last two weeks or so), its successor will not leave me disappointed. “Henrietta” is a ballad to Henrietta Lacks, the woman famous for her cells (HeLa—yay science!) which have traveled to space and been used extensively in biomedical research. And the song of the week, well… I’m not sure what it’s about. Probably mortality (sample lyric: “live in the moment, never count on longevity”). But I do know that this is the music I always pictured playing when I’m making virtual reality love to a hot alien chick in something resembling the Mos Eisley Cantina in about 40 years. Enjoy.

Next week is going to be very special, as we’ll be featuring my high school (and still) buddy Kirby Brown. Get to know him before then @kirby_brown on Twitter or here on Tumblr at kirbybrownmusic.tumblr.com.

Streak For The Cash Recap: June 27th, 2012

Wed, 27 Jun 2012 13:54:30 -0400

*For the uninitiated, Streak For The Cash is a game on ESPN.com that allows players to pick the outcomes of various games and props in an effort to build the longest streak of the month. The prize: $50,000. As an added twist, there is an extra “stash” of $50,000 if the month’s winner hits 27 or more wins in a row. If the winner gets less than 27 wins, the stash rolls over to the next month. I am confident that I will one day win this game, buy an island, and drink coconut rum. Unfortunately, I have terrible luck. Or I’m just not very good. Let’s review.*

The dream may be dead. This month, some lucky man (or robot, the jury’s still out—dude’s only been a member since June 3^rd, and something about it all smells funny) has reached the 27 win pinnacle. That means the cool $300,000 that should have, could have, would have been mine may be lost forever. It’s not from lack of trying. I’ve showed some real promise this month, putting together nice streaks that were ultimately foiled. I blame the Giants (quickly becoming my streak kryptonite), the Red Sox, Aroldis Chapman, and John Isner. In that order. Let’s get to the picks.

Current Streak: Loss 1

Current Overall Record: 55-53-1 (.509)

Great Success!

The Pick: Portugal: Win over Czech Republic: Win or Draw

Why It Worked: The Czechs have been feisty in this tournament, but Cristiano Ronaldo is finally becoming for his national team what everyone expected him to be in the 2010 World Cup, and what he has been for Real Madrid for the last few years: one of the five best players in the world. Since his team’s first match of the tournament against Germany, their only loss so far, Ronaldo has been a machine. In a must win against Netherlands, he scored two goals on ten shots. In this semifinal, he scored the only goal on eight shots. Maybe he’s finally starting to resent that Messi guy.

The Pick: Euro 2012 Semifinals: Germany vs. Greece: When will the 1^st goal of the 1^st half be scored? 29^th Minute or Later OR No Goal in the 1^st Half OVER 28^th Minute or Earlier

Why It Worked: Look, this is a dumb prop. There are no stats that can help anyone to accurately predict when a goal will happen. That said, it seemed clear that Greece would be hanging on for their Euro lives in this match. The aim was not to score goals, only to prevent Germany from scoring bookoos themselves. Eventually, of course, that strategy failed, but it seemed a safe bet that the Greeks would have eleven men back playing prevent for at least the first half.

Miserable Failure.

The Pick: WNBA: Sky @ Lynx: How Many Points Will Be Scored In the First Half? 73 or Fewer OVER 74 or More

Why It Failed: Oh, the lows one can sink to when trying desperately to crawl back in to streak relevancy. Cheryl Miller doesn’t watch the WNBA. No one watches the WNBA. Can you name a single WNBA player? No, you can’t. But you can assume that not many of them are prolific scorers can’t you? Yes, you can. This seemed like a safe bet. It really did. The two teams combined for more points than either scored in the whole game. That’s what happens when you’re desperate.

The Pick: San Francisco Giants over Oakland Athletics (June 24^th)

Why It Failed: I’m never picking the Giants again. In the month of June alone, the Giants have been responsible for ending streaks of 6, 1, and 4 wins. And there was that whole Tim Lincecum disaster last month. Never again, boys. Never again. Let’s hope July (my birthday month) is sweeter to me. Until then…

Bit of the Week: June 26th, 2012

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 14:01:11 -0400

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” -Albert Einstein

Lewis Black is rude, crude, and hilarious. He speaks with a stutter (used, however unintentionally, to great comedic effect) and rants angrily about everything from politics to religion to candy corn. But you already know this, because Black has become one of the most successful and recognizable comedians of the last decade. He has appeared consistently on The Daily Show, hosted a documentary on the History Channel, written two books, and even made a special appearance on the enormously popular pile of shit that is The Big Bang Theory. He also appears to be just hitting his stride. Despite getting a late start in standup (he worked in theater and began warming the crowd up for plays), he has released three new hours of material since 2010.

Lewis Black has also seen the end of the universe. I won’t spoil it for you, but I will tell you I’ve been there. It is every bit as awe-inspiring and baffling as it sounds. In this clip, Mr. Black discusses his discovery.

Quick Hits: June 25th, 2012

Mon, 25 Jun 2012 15:40:30 -0400

Sports:

The King has finally been crowned. Lebron James and the Heat are the NBA Champions, leaving me all out of jokes. Seriously, now that Lebron has won it all I can’t make fun of him anymore. Delonte West totally banged his mom, though. Sorry, that one slipped out.
The BCS system of the past is no more, as consensus has been reached on the need for a college football playoff. Now, instead of arguing about two teams with your family at Thanksgiving, you can argue about four teams!
Wayne Rooney’s Hair Transplant failed to stop Italy’s penalty kicks in Sunday’s Euro 2012 semifinal. As a result, Portugal, Spain, Italy, and Germany are your Euro quarterfinalists. Or, as I like to call them, the Axis Powers Guest Starring Cristiano Ronaldo.

No comedy or music tidbits this week. Sorry. I just got back from vacation and it took everything in me to write the eight sentences above. I’ll be back tomorrow.

Song of the Week: June 21st, 2012

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 12:19:32 -0400

Because I’m in Austin and feeling nostalgic. And because the following is the top comment, courtesy of Youtube user peanutstheelephant: “When I’m depressed I always listen to Conor. It’s weird because his music makes me feel worse but also better at the same time. Maybe the sound of loneliness just makes me happier.” Deep thoughts, peanuts.

Quick Hits: June 18th, 2012

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 20:49:22 -0400

Sports:

The Heat are off to a good start in the NBA Finals, taking a 2-1 series lead in to Game 4 in Miami, where they will have a commanding home court advant… oh wait, nevermind. In other Finals news, Scott Brooks continues to stake his claim for the Worst Postseason Coach Award, Lebron James still has a chance to piss away a title and be mocked for the next year (please, Lebron, please… Skip Bayless could really use the job security), and Russell Westbrook continues to mock me with his amazing shirts, which I cannot find ANYWHERE. Help me out here Russell. Do I need to special order these things? Get at me.
NFL star LT has announced his retirement. LT will leave an incomparable legacy of cocaine and alcohol abuse, sexual misconduct with underage girls, financial woes, and fleeing from crime scenes. Wait… wrong LT? Wrong LT. Apologies to Mr. Tomlinson.
The European Soccer Championship is underway, and Greece, Portugal, Germany, and the Czech Republic are the first teams to claw out of the group stages and in to the semifinals. Portugal advanced after a 2-1 defeat of the Netherlands in which star player Cristiano Ronaldo mostly just flopped around but looked really pretty doing it.

Comedy:

In the least shocking news of the year, Tommy Chong has taken his treatment for prostate cancer in to his own hands, and will reportedly treat the disease with hemp oil. I’d really rather not think about how that hemp oil is being applied to treat prostate cancer, but I already have, and now I’m passing it on to you.

Music:

Drake and Chris Brown got in to quite the bar fight. Brown’s reputation as a peaceful, upstanding role model for young men will no doubt take a hit, but if this has any chance of making Drake a better rapper, I’m all for it.
R. Kelly reportedly owes millions in back taxes. If I were Robert’s financial advisor, I would encourage him to take extraordinary measures to make a lot of money very quickly, and you know what that means: time for another sex tape!

Song of the Week: June 14th, 2012

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 14:01:36 -0400

I’ll keep this post short, as it’s after midnight and I’m writing from the comfort of a hotel room in Marion, Illinois. Such is the glamorous life of a graduate student on vacation. I’ve been on the road for about eight hours now, and my brain is already turning to mush. I thought this road trip would give me the opportunity to evaluate my life and gain some kind of inner peace. Here are some actual thoughts I have had so far:

There should be sommeliers for non-alcoholic beverages, and I’d like to nominate myself as the first of the profession. How could this be useful, you ask? Let me explain. You know what goes better with a steak and baked potato than any wine or beer? A glass of milk. Do you know the perfect liquid refreshment to pair with a sodium-laced McDonald’s double cheeseburger and fries? Sprite. When you’re snacking on Spicy Nacho Doritos in the wee hours of the night, what is the best beverage, palette-wise, for removing those little chunks of corn chip from between your teeth? Dr. Pepper. Enjoying a turkey sandwich? Cherry Coke. Also accepted: you guessed it, a nice glass of milk. Yea, I thought this through.

Indiana is the worst state. I’ve thought about this (OK, a lot) before, but I can’t help thinking it when I’m driving through. If I had to compare it to another state, it would be Arkansas, only with worse highways and slightly fewer bugs. Oh, and with no hot springs, no Ozarks, and no beauty of any sort. Even Indianapolis, which should and may very well be a cool city, is plagued by endless construction. Also, they only sell warm beer at convenience stores. That’s a fact. It’s a statewide effort to curb drinking and driving, which makes no sense when you consider that no one who really wants to drink and drive is going to be deterred by warm beer. You won’t find an alcoholic saying, “Damn, I was gonna pop one of these road sodas open, but I guess I’ll have to take them home and wait for them to cool down.” Good job Indiana.

My friend (and frequent contributor) Kayla suggested that I stop at a rest area and sleep in my car to avoid the cost of a hotel. I was astonished that she suggested this, HAS DONE THIS, and says that other people do this too. I know that that’s technically what rest areas are for and everything, but I’ve seen horror movies. You’re not going to convince me that that’s a good idea. And even if no one tried to kill me, the thought of some trucker beating off while watching me sleep through my driver’s side window is equally terrifying.

So anyway, before all these thoughts polluted my brain and made me dumber, I was leaving East Lansing to return home to Texas, and I was listening to music. I started with the latest from Japandroids (Celebration Rock). Without elaborating too much, it’s very good. The single from the album is “The House That Heaven Built,” a no-nonsense rocker full of “ooh ooh oohs,” frenetic guitars, and ragged-in-a-good-way vocals. “And if they try to slow you down, tell ‘em all to go to hell…” Wise words when entering Indiana. See you next week…

Bit of the Week: June 12, 2012

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 13:35:46 -0400

Editor’s Note: Kayla’s taking over the Bit of the Week for the second week in a row. Why? Because she’s clearly insane, depressed, and probably just wants someone to love her. Go give her a hug at http://chronically-kayla.tumblr.com/ and on Twitter @kaylamckinney.

If you’re into watching a guy yell in your general direction, Bill Burr’s your man. Though his name often gets grouped in with the likes of George Carlin and Louis CK, his in-your-face-and-not-happy-about-it delivery is wholly memorable. Burr’s talent doesn’t rest in some penchant for great impressions, nor is he fantastically witty. Instead, he comes across as the loud, funny family member who you look forward to seeing during the holidays because you know he’s got a hell of a story to share.

By tapping into his quasi-relatable style, Burr’s built a totally-worth-listening-to-at-least-once comedy podcasts. You can listen to him “ramble” for an hour every Monday morning, and, trust me, he never holds back.

He’s no stranger to the screen either, with small parts on “Breaking Bad” and “Chappelle’s Show.” If that’s not enough, he has a couple of comedy specials on the market, the last of which, Let It Go, you can buy here or stream on Netflix.

He’s currently touring around California, Florida, and New York, so be sure to check him out if you’re in the area. Otherwise, enjoy his views on population control below. Until next time, keep nibblin’, y’all.

-K

Streak For The Cash Recap: June 6th, 2012

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 18:04:31 -0400

Current Streak: Loss 1

Current Overall Record: 7-6-0 (.538)

A promising six win streak was cut short by Tim Lincecum (see below) and now, here we are, waiting on tennis results. Yes, you read that correctly. Is Andy Murray still good at tennis? Is he the one that’s married to Mandy Moore? Does anyone know the whereabouts of Mandy Moore? Should we be worried? Ah screw it, she was no Jessica Simpson. Shall we?

Great Success!

The Pick: Arizona Diamondbacks over San Diego Padres (June 3^rd)

Why It Worked: The D-Backs may be struggling a bit to live up to lofty expectations, but they’re still not a bad team, and Cahill is not as bad a pitcher as his 3-5 record so far this season would suggest. The Padres, on the other hand, are narrowly beating out the Cubs for the worst record in the league.

The Pick: Hungary: Win or Draw over Republic of Ireland: Win

Why It Worked: Despite the close proximity to England, the Irish are terrible at soccer. As far as I know, Hungarians are also terrible at soccer, but they couldn’t be much worse. And they were at home in Budapest. So there ya go.

Miserable Failure.

The Pick: San Francisco Giants over San Diego Padres (June 5^th)

Why It Failed: Just two seasons removed from winning back-to-back NL Cy Young awards, the Freak seems to be falling apart. He’s 2-6 on the season with a 5.83 ERA, which is nearly three full runs above his career average of 3.15. He’s been consistently shelled early in games and quickly taken out, and rumors have swirled that his arm may not be what it once was. Even my Padres-are-awful logic couldn’t save me from the fallen Freak.

The Pick: Who will card the lower first 9 score? Bubba Watson over Rickie Fowler

Why It Failed: There was little to no research or thought involved. I didn’t know Fowler was sitting at the top of the tourney leaderboard when I made this pick. I just knew three things: a) Watson won this year’s Master’s, b) Watson’s first name is Bubba, and c) I love Bubbas. Until next time…

Bit of the Week: June 5th, 2012

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 14:01:56 -0400

Editor’s Note: Today’s bit is a very special Kayla edition. You might remember her, as she filled in a few weeks past when I had finals. Check her out at http://chronically-kayla.tumblr.com/ and on Twitter @kaylamckinney.

Many of the best comedians are so prolific it’s mind-blowing. Between tours, writing, producing, and (hopefully) getting laid, it’s amazing they find time to sleep. Native New Yorker Greg Fitzsimmons is one of them, working his ass off to bring us the lulz (which is fine, considering his rail-thin frame). You probably recognize him best from all those “I Love the [Enter Decade Here]” VH1 reruns you’ve watched while sloppily eating Taco Bell after a night of drinking, but he’s had his hands in a number of not-off-the-dollar-menu pies.

Fitzsimmons shows up on The Howard Stern Show pretty frequently, and he’s made appearances on all the late night shows, since, you know, that’s what you do when you’re famous. He also regularly gets his funny on with Chelsea Handler on her comic-friendly E! show, Chelsea Lately.

Not content with just being a well-off white man, Fitzsimmons has also put pen to paper for shows like Lucky Louie and The Ellen DeGeneres Show. The man even has his own book and shelf of Emmys.

You can hear Fitzsimmons talk about life every single week with his popular podcast, Fitzdog Radio, or watch him dish on water with Kevin Nealon below. Oh, and take a needlessly long shower. You look disgusting.

-K

Quick Hits: June 4th, 2012

Mon, 04 Jun 2012 19:55:00 -0400

Sports:

The NBA’s Conference Finals are each tied up at two games apiece after a weekend of ~~bad officiating~~ exciting basketball. In the West, Kevin Durant scored 18 points in the final seven minutes of the fourth quarter and Serge Ibaka went a perfect 11-11 for a career-high 26 points to stymie the Spurs. In the East, the Celtics outscored the Heat 4-2 in overtime to take Game 4, and Lebron James accomplished his 2012 goal of finding a new way to struggle late in big games by fouling out in the fourth quarter (for the first time in his career, no less).
Johan Santana threw the first no-hitter in New York Mets history after ~~a blown call~~ 50 seasons and 8,020 games. Asked how he felt after the game, Santana said “Oh, yes, I feel great. Everything was just so smooth, you know? Just months after my surgery, I am truly back to my evil ways, you know? For all the Mets fans, I hope you’re feeling better. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get to my black magic woman, you know? Maria!” When cameras cut back to the studio, a number of analysts looked puzzled, and one mustered the squeamish question, “Does he believe he’s guitar legend Carlos Santana?”

Music:

Justin Bieber is reportedly under investigation for the assault of a photographer in California. I don’t see this holding up, as the only assault I could see the Biebs being guilty of is an assault of cuteness. Am I right, ladies? But seriously, this definitely wasn’t in the JT handbook. Bieber should have gone the other route and discussed his sex life with Selena Gomez in a Rolling Stone interview instead.
The family of Amy Winehouse is selling the house the singer died in for a cool $4.2 million. So, if you’re interested in buying it, you can now go right ahead. But I’m not coming over for any barbecues. I don’t care how cool the house is. I’m not coming to your haunted mansion.
Bob Dylan was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his “influence on the civil rights movement” and “significant impact on American culture.” In a short speech after being awarded the medal, Dylan said “You know that I used the n-word in one of my most popular songs right? And that I wrote a song called “Quinn the Eskimo?” Yea, I hear they don’t like to be called that nowadays. Whatever. Fuck it, I’m out.” Dylan then dropped the mic, grabbed his balls with the hand holding the medal, threw up both middle fingers and walked out. He was arrested a short time later on suspicion of being homeless.

Comedy:

Andy Samberg is officially leaving SNL (here, here, here). If Lorne Michaels truly wants to replace Andy, he’ll have to find a young person with mediocre sketch chops and the ability to make and act in short videos. Yea, good luck with that in today’s world, Lorne.
The executive producer of the ~~terrible show~~ NBC hit (yes, it qualifies as a hit on NBC) Whitney will be leaving to work on a new show, Guys With Kids, because, really, how much worse could it get?

Song of the Week: June 1st, 2012

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 18:08:20 -0400

A decade ago, The Rapture were part of a New York rock scene that was mythologized and celebrated before it was ever really even born. The angular beat and angsty yelp that carried their breakout song “House of Jealous Lovers” were provided as evidence of a revival that, in retrospect, never really outgrew its small (and exclusive) tent. Headlines declared that “Rock was back” (where did it ever go?) and magazines like Spin and Rolling Stone devoted large spreads to a number of unproven bands. Some survived: The White Stripes—er, bad example, let’s say Jack White—and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Most have failed: The Mooney Suzukis, The Vines (presented with the caveat that they are still technically a band, even if no one cares) and too many others to mention. In retrospect, these features seem tied to the last gasp of “the old way”; the magazines were right, something big was happening with rock and roll. But no one could have predicted then that “something big” meant (for better or worse) everything from a prepubescent boy sharing the stage with Usher to the self-released magic of In Rainbows. Just as quickly as the fiery hype had built, it was extinguished; the attention needed to sustain it moved on to emo (a terrible and grossly overused categorization at the time) and backpack rap (ditto). The Rapture’s debut album (Echoes in 2003) was marred with inconsistency, and their second (Pieces of the People We Love in 2006) was met with mixed reviews from fans and critics alike.

It would have been easy for The Rapture to go the way of the Mooney Suzukis. To some extent, they did. After two life-altering events—his mother’s suicide and the birth of his son—singer/guitarist Luke Jenner left the band for a few months. Shortly after his return, bassist and backup vocalist Matt Safer left the band. But in 2011, years removed from the spotlight and the pressures that entails, the band made what I feel is their finest record. In The Grace of Your Love feels like the album The Rapture of 2003 were always capable of making, the reason that the hope of so many music critics was pinned to these kids in New York. There are still booty-shaking rhythms and angsty yelps. There is still plenty of art-rock experimentation, and not every song completely works. But the album as a whole gains strength from these hiccups, probably because strong themes (self-exploration, questioning of one’s place in the world) tie everything together. Others have written about the religious overtones on the album, but the lyrics are not those of a born-again who has everything figured out. They sound to me like the questions of a man who is old enough now to have seen real joy and real pain, perhaps in unequal measure, and has set about questioning himself, God, and anyone who is still around to listen.

My favorite song from the album, “How Deep Is Your Love?” is propelled by a simple piano riff that dances from mostly beautiful to just sharp enough to make things interesting. The beat is simple enough to clap along too (that comes about halfway through, along with some tambourines and horns that blow the song wide open), and Jenner’s voice is anxious and unrelenting in a very, very good way. And yes, the vocal refrain has shades of Sisqo’s “Thong Song.” I also consider this to be a good thing. That song was catchy as hell.

Also recommended: “Can You Find a Way?” “In The Grace of Your Love” “Miss You”

Streak For The Cash Recap: May 30th, 2012

Wed, 30 May 2012 20:29:09 -0400

For the first time this month, I’m back over .500. I never thought that would taste like such a sweet victory, but what can I say? May has been a bitch. I have no shot at the 250 g’s sitting in the stash, but the good news is that no on else does either. That means that next month, a 27 win streak could mean a cool $300,000. I’m coming for you June. Let’s get to the picks: International (and, shamefully, MLS) Soccer Edition!

Current Streak: Win 3

Current Overall Record: 67-66-0 (.504)

Great Success!

The Pick: Uruguay: Win or Draw over Russia: Win (International Friendly)

Why It Worked: Am I missing something? Russia has only qualified for the World Cup twice. Uruguay finished 4^th in 2010. Was there any reason to take Russia here? The answer is no. (Although it did end up in a draw. So maybe I’m not quite as smart as I think,)

The Pick: Brazil: Win over Denmark: Win or Draw (International Friendly)

Why It Worked: See above.

The Pick: Spain: Wins by 2+ Goals over Serbia: Win, Draw, Lose by 1 (International Friendly)

Why It Worked: Anddddd once again. Let’s see… do I take the defending World Cup champs, or a team from a place that makes their pizza with generous amounts of ketchup?

The Pick: United States: Win over Scotland: Win or Draw (International Friendly)

Why It Worked: Yes, the US team has been terrible since Bob Bradley was fired. Yes, they’ve been struggling in qualification in what is probably the weakest division in FIFA (CONCACAF), But they’re still better than the Scots, dammit.

Miserable Failure.

The Pick: LA Galaxy: Win over San Jose Earthquakes: Win or Draw

Why It Failed: I don’t follow the MLS. I feel sorry for those who do. I was, however, somehow made aware that the Galaxy won the MLS Cup (can someone check that this actually exists?) last year. It’s usually good to go with the defending champs. Had I checked the standings, however, I would have known that the Galaxy are currently sitting in last place in the Western Conference, while the Earthquakes are sitting in second. This is what happens when you don’t do research, kids.

The Pick: BK Hacken: Win or Draw over Elfsborg: Win (Swedish Allsvenskan)

Why It Failed: What the fuck is an Allsvenskan?

The Pick: What will be the match result (Atletico Bilbao vs. Barcelona)? Any Other Result over Barcelona: Wins by 2+ Goals

Why It Failed: I got cute, and failed to take my own advice. Don’t bet against Barcelona. Just don’t.

The Pick: Sion: Win over Aarau: Win or Draw (Swiss Super League Relegation Play-Off)

Why It Failed: Did you know that Switzerland has its own league? And that there are teams bad enough to get relegated from it? It’s true. Until next time…

Bit Of The Week: May 29th, 2012

Tue, 29 May 2012 14:21:36 -0400

I don’t know much about Shane Mauss, but what I do know is this: he is hilarious. And he’s been living in Austin for a little over a year now, so that gets him a few extra points. After a relatively short time in comedy, he has already received awards from HBO and Punchline magazine, and made appearances on Kimmel and Conan. His delivery is equal parts quick-witted wordsmith and drunken dolt, allowing him to dig fresh humor from topics that have been covered in comedic form before… like magic mushrooms.

In this bit, which never fails to make me laugh, Shane discusses walking in to a Best Buy—er, sorry, THE FUTURE—while on mushrooms, and watching a movie about himself until the blue people confront him.

Comedy Central Stand-Up
Get More: Jokes,Joke of the Day,Funny Jokes

For more about Shane, you can read this two-part interview with the Austinist.

Quick Hits: May 28th, 2012

Mon, 28 May 2012 17:42:41 -0400

Sports:

The Western Conference Finals kicked off last night, and the Spurs narrowly avoided a home loss to the Thunder after coach Gregg Popovich made a fourth quarter plea for his players to “give me [Popovich] some nasty.” The Spurs got the win and I got a new catchphrase. Thanks Pop! Also, Pop, while we’re on the subject… don’t take this the wrong way… but it looks like someone has already given you some nasty. All over your face.
The Stanley Cup Finals will begin Wednesday, pitting the seemingly invincible Los Angeles Kings against the New Jersey Devils. Did you know that the Devils nearly ruined hockey from the mid 90’s to the mid 2000’s? No? Yea, their neutral zone trap system was damn near unstoppable and incredibly boring. The NHL changed the rules because of it and everything. Pretty crazy, huh? Oh who am I kidding, you don’t give a shit about hockey. Let’s just hope, for your sake and mine, casual hockey fan, that these Finals see plenty of goals.

Music:

There will be a sequel to Watch the Throne. If Jay and ‘Ye are smart, they’ll call it Watch the Throne, Again or Still Watching the Throne. I don’t know, I’m just spitballing. Here’s hoping the sequel matches the original, and that I don’t have to hear Kim Kardashian try to sing.
Phillip Phillips won American Idol. And before you start making jokes, I only know this because my mom calls me at least once a week to update me on his progress. Apparently he reminds her of me. Eh, it could be worse. At least it’s not Lee Dewyze. Or Daughtry (does he have a first name?). Or David Cook. Or Clay Aiken. Or Justin Guarini…or…

Song of the Week: May 24th, 2012

Thu, 24 May 2012 17:57:00 -0400

I didn’t always get to spend a lot of time with my dad as a kid. He worked very hard, and often had to go out of town for business. Instead of turning me into a bitter adult, this had the effect of making the time I did get to spend with him all that much better. Looking back on it, it seems that we spent an inordinate amount of time in the car. Driving to and from the golf course an hour away, making the five-hour trip to Dallas for a Cowboy game, going from Nashville to Huntsville to tour NASA. These trips were the beginning of my musical education. We started off with the Beatles and the Stones, and as I got older, we moved on to Zeppelin and Marley. There are some songs that I will always associate with my father, but if I were to pick just one, it would be “Tangled Up In Blue” by Bob Dylan. So, in honor of Dylan’s birthday today, enjoy that song and its terrible music video, which I believe hails from a day long before the whole music video thing caught on. (And thank you for your contributions in that regard, Billy Squier.)